Growing up Noelie Boardman felt like there was something different about her.
“As I hit puberty, I noticed a lot of people around me were getting into relationships and talking about sex, especially in high school,” Boardman, a 2021 Simpson College graduate and now age 23, said. “That was just never a thing I cared about. It wasn’t something I was interested in.”
The 23-year-old recalled how one day as a high school junior she scrolled through Tumblr, a social media website. She stumbled upon a blog about asexuality.
“I was like, ‘what is this?’ I started reading it and was like, ‘Hmm, this sounds sort of cool.’ As it started to marinate in my brain, I started to realize that everything they were talking about hit a little too close to home,” she said.
Boardman realized she was asexual.
The Asexual Visibility & Education Network or AVEN describes an asexual person, also called an ace person, as someone “not drawn to other people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way.”
An estimated 1.7% of adults identify as asexual, according to a study by the Williams Institute on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Law and Public Policy at the University of California, Los Angeles.
Asexuality is different than celibacy, according to AVEN, when a person is actively making a choice to abstain from sexual activity.
In Iowa, there are several groups to support asexuals. Aces often feel different and that little is known about their identity, a four-month IowaWatch project on the topic revealed through dozens of interviews.
Rachel Wickelhaus founded the Iowa City Aces to create more visibility for asexuals.
Wickelhaus identifies as panromantic asexual (see sidebar) and uses they/them pronouns.
“At the Pride festival [in Des Moines] in 2018 I noticed that I did see a few aces,” Wickelhaus said. “One over here and one over there behind that bush, but there was no cohesive unit of aces. There were no groups of aces anywhere. So, along with another asexual friend, we started the Iowa City Aces.”
The group, which has eight to 10 people at meetings and a few dozen members on the Facebook group, became a way for asexuals to meet others who have gone through the same experiences, Wickelhaus said.
“There are so few of us, and ace spectrum is still so unknown,” Wickelhaus said. “There are aces in the smaller communities in Iowa, but the likelihood of finding another is slim. We have several aces that come from as far as the Amanas and Lone Tree to come to meet-ups simply because they want to spend time with others who are like them.”
Wickelhaus would like for the public to be educated on asexuality. Wickelhaus ensures pamphlets are at youth centers such as United Action for Youth.
“That way … young aces have a chance to know that it is a real thing, that they aren’t broken,” Wickelhaus said. “Our older aces in the group did not have the advantage of knowing about ace spectrum, and we all spent years of our lives thinking there was something wrong with us. Not having any way to articulate how we felt. I try to do everything I can to help the next generations not have to go through that.”
People who identify as asexuals were often told that they had sexual dysfunction and aromantics were told they were afraid of commitment, Wickelhaus said.
“It really took the internet to get enough of us together to say, ‘Hey, the lack of sexual or romantic attraction is valid, too,’” she said.
Due to COVID-19, the Iowa City Aces has not been able to have in person since March 2020.
“We are pretty much in a holding pattern until it is safe to meet in person again,” Wickelhaus said.
Expert: Different levels to asexuality
Anthony Bogaert is a professor of community health sciences and psychology at Brock University in Ontario, Canada. He has studied asexuality and published many journal articles and the book “Understanding Asexuality” which explores sexual desire, sexual orientation, and sexual identity.
During his research, Bogaert found that asexuals are on a spectrum when it comes to attraction.
“Some probably feel very little or no sexual attraction, but there may be some individuals that feel at times some level of sexual attraction,” Bogaert said.
Graysexuals and demisexuals are part of the middle area when it comes to asexuality.
According to AVEN, graysexuals may experience some sexual feelings, but it’s not enough to act on or does not reflect their ongoing experiences. Graysexual people tend to have sexual feelings in a smaller way than a sexual person would.
Demisexuality also falls into this middle area. Demisexuals tend to feel sexual attraction to an individual after they have created a strong emotional bond.
Some asexuals can also feel sexual attraction, but they may not connect those sexual feelings to other people.
Asexuals may still be attracted to romantic relationships.
“They may lack sexual attraction and lustful feelings towards people,” Bogaert said. “But that doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is not interested in developing a romantic relationship with others.”
According to AVEN, people can fall under a range of romantic orientations regardless if they identify as asexual or not.
Boardman finds herself on the heteroromantic side of the spectrum.
“One of the big things about sexuality is that your romantic orientation is separate from your sexual orientation,” said Boardman. “For most people, they do line up. So, if your heterosexual you tend to also be heteroromantic. Same with homosexuals, you tend to be homoromantic.”
She continued: “One of the things I learned when I realized what asexuality was and I started doing more reading is that those two identities don’t usually line up for asexuals. For example, I fall more under the heteroromantic side of the spectrum, but I am still asexual.”
Boardman does have an interest in dating, but has found it difficult since it often comes with the expectation of sex.
“For me, I would rather already have a relationship that turns into a romantic relationship,” Boardman said. “Then we work out boundaries from there. While I am interested in dating, I haven’t dated because I haven’t really found the person that I want to date.”
Growing up, Boardman moved to many different places during her adolescence. From Maryland to California, as well as Iowa, Boardman was never in one place for too long and felt at odds with peers.
“At the time, I wrote it off as the fact that I moved a lot as a kid, and I wasn’t the same as the other kids I was going to school with,” Boardman said. “But looking back, there was more to it than that.”
RELATED: GLOSSARY OF TERMS CONNECTED TO ASEXUALITY
Boardman found it hard to relate to peers’ conversations about crushes and relationships.
“Internally I was like, why is this so important?” Boardman said. “Why does this matter so much? I was so frustrated that I didn’t understand.”
Boardman began seeking out friend groups that weren’t as focused on dating.
“I’m not necessarily sex-repulsed,” Boardman said. “But it’s not my thing, and I don’t understand it. So, for me, it’s more frustrating because people are talking about it and going on and on about it. I just don’t get it.”
After Boardman discovered she was asexual she slowly started coming out to her friends and family when she was 17.
“Coming out is a really stressful thing because, even if you know your parents don’t care, you worry: will they accept me?” Boardman said. “You’re never a hundred percent sure.”
Boardman first came out to a close friend before eventually coming out to her friends and family.
She has met just a few others who identify as asexual.
In Maryland, Boardman met Leslie Rankin who identifies as biromantic asexual. Rankins is romantically interested in males and females, but still does not feel physical attraction.
Rankin, 26, lives in Columbia, Maryland. She, too, is interested in a relationship.
“I don’t have a lot of experience in dating, but I do have interest in having a romantic relationship in the future,” Rankin said.
Both Rankin and Boardman have faced some skepticism.
“I had one kid in my class that was like, ‘I don’t think that’s a thing. I don’t think that exists,’” Boardman said. “I’m sitting there like, ‘That’s not a me problem, that’s a you problem. I am here and I obviously exist.’”
Bogaert thinks the lack of knowledge of asexuality may have to do with it being not noticeable.
“If you are asexual and you’re walking down the street, you’re not holding hands with someone, you’re not necessarily tipping someone by engaging in some sort of sexual activity that people can see on some level,” he said.
Similar to the Iowa City Aces, Asexual Aromantic Alliance exists at Iowa State University in Ames for people on the asexual spectrum.
According to Catherine Thom, president of Asexual Aromantic Alliance, the club has existed since 2017.
“Our goal is to create space for asexual and aromantic spectrum people to connect,” Thom, a senior at ISU this spring, said, “to be a safe space for them to be themselves and be with other people like them.”
“The first time I came out to a friend it was kind of on a whim,” Thom said. “They said they were bisexual. They came out to me and I came out to them. But they didn’t know what it was. I kind of panicked and explained it badly, then changed the subject.”
Thom tends to keep her sexuality more private.
“To the community, I was pretty out in the open,” Thom said. “Otherwise, I don’t bring it up a lot.
Thom has also had people not accepting her.
“People say it’s a phase or we don’t feel anything, or you just haven’t found the right person yet,” she said.
Boardman said she wishes that asexuality would be more widely known by the public.
“Ace people tend to get pushed to the background,” she said. “It’s like a footnote or it’s not even mentioned at all a lot of the time.”
ABOUT AVEN
AVEN was founded in 2001 to create public acceptance and discussion of asexuality. AVEN has a web forum, which gies asexuals and others a place to discuss their experiences.
Alyssa Craven is a 2021 Simpson College graduate, who majored in multimedia journalism and English. She worked on this story during the spring term as part of her senior capstone class.
